killing me softly.

my, oh my. i have no idea what came over me today. so don't ask. maybe it's just too much things happening at once. and all of it which i don't have any grasp in. no control whatsoever. so maybe that's it. losing control. i remember i once said that i wanted to be able to lose control. but, not in this way. this is just losing control, losing so much control till you spinning control. i don't know what's going on in almost every perspective in my life, and i don't like it one bit. i don't like it at all in fact. i know i'm repeating myself; i guess it's just some justification, i guess.

i want to be back in control. no more second guessing. no more wondering. no more asking myself whst i've done wrong, why is this happening to me if i'd done nothing at all to deserve this. no more, holding back. but, i still think, still ponder. i want that to stop, so why doesn't it?

i wish i could, oh man how i wish i could just go far, far away from this place, get a well deserved, -or maybe not so much of a well deserved- rest just to sort out my thoughts, free my mind and free myself; you know the much talked about losing control; the good one? to have that. be away from this civillisation. but, somehow, i think, even tho i am 458993228565 miles away, i would still be thinking about here.

so what the hell gives?

i wish to have my brain and heart transplanted out from me for just a sec, so that i can take a breather, and then, for them to be placed back into me again.

boy, if only that could happen, it would be the sweetest escape ever.

can you imagine. not thinking about anything. not worrying about anything for just that one moment. wouldn't that be fun?

and, no, before any of you can think further than that, i'm not suicidal. i repeat, i'm NOT suicidal.

well so much for that. most of all, i wish i could stop thinking about you.